Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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