I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Randomize
