You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
