If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
