You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
