I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
