The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
