There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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