i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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