I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
