This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
