You just made me feel so damn special
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
