so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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