I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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