I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
