you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.