Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.