Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.