I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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