He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
