How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
