Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
