He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
