3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
