"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
