my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
