He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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