Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
