Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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