You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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