hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I did not marry a roomba.
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