Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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