I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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