i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it was like eating out sand paper
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
