I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
