I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
