He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
