I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
