tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
