i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
