the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
