I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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