Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
two words: eviction party
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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