Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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