We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
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Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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