found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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