Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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