i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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