Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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