Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
