She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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