It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
