I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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