There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
