If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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