I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
