My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My ass is underappreciated
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
