Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
