we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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