Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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